Take Away #12

Last class was really interesting, in both sharing, and the feedback people gave. Mandy's fear of her projects never being good enough, I can realte to. Riley's fear of losing those close to her; I've been there. Steven's fear of the future (or lack there of) is something that plagues all of us with the debt we have waiting for us when we graduate. My own fear of failure. What really suprised me was how well recieved my sharing went. What I had considered to be very boring to others, seemed to resonate with them. The responses I was gathered were uplifting, enlightening, and heartfelt. SO my take away from class?

A) I'm not so alone in my fears as I thought I was.

B) I am a positive presence to more people than I ever thought possible

C) I think I can overcome my fears with some hard work, diligence, and help from my family and friends.

Yeah, This is do-able

Fear Factor

So, I started thinking about the assignment last week, really turning it over in my head. First, I thought about my worry of being alone. I considered my procrastination as a form of fear. I contemplated my anxiety of being overweight. As I started looking into myself, as I started analyzing the fears (including worries, phobias, and anxieties) that criss cross thru my ego, and I started to realize that most of them had a root cause; and underlying fear that weaved its way thru.

That fear is that of failure.

I'd like to say that it is just a fear, but it also an anxiety, and maybe a little bit of worry; all rolled into one. I guess I've kinda always known about my fear of failure, but I didn't know just how wide and deep it really runs. I think that at times, I won't succeed. Other times, I sabotage myself thru ill preparation, procrastination, or just avoidance of responsibility. This happens in my creative endeavors, and in other aspects of my life. I'd go into more detail, but for the most part it just makes me fill like a plain pale figure of no particular decreeing features; and that I have a hole where my brain should be, and a void where I feel that my heart (creatively and otherwise) should be.

Take Away #11

My progress so far is that I have really started to think about my true underlying fear. What is it? What could it be? What started out as a simple exercise on something that I am afraid of, has turned into an existential diagnostic being used to run down some serious problems in my own ego (literally my Ego, how I view myself). As I started the process, I realized as I started to go thru my differing fears, that there was a thread that ran thru all of them; a "root fear" if you will. I am very close to putting a name on it, but I don't want to claim what it is too soon, and not make sure that I'm not mis-identifying it. All in all, it is very disturbing to have these things revealed in such a way, but in the same breath it is also very empowering.

Take Away #10

     For this week's take away; I must confess I was not in class. It is the first class I have missed, and even though I was feeling rather ill, I felt guilty that I was not able to go to class. It is funny how age and perspective changes how you look at things. When I was younger, I wouldn't have thought twice about missing a single class; but at my age now, the thought of falling behind, or letting myself or instructors down is a very bad thing for me. That being said, the rest that I got from my absence has greatly helped me, and I feel like I'm at (or close to :) ) 100%.
     One more thing that I got from this week, was that I've been questioning my motivations for the fields of study that I have chosen. Fear plagues me about it; whether it is if I can actually finish the assignments to a degree of satisfation I am happy with, to whether or not I can make it as a content creator of any kind. I must say, this class has really got me digging deep into myself. Hopefully, I find the person that I feel can do what I dream of doing.

Who am I? Why am I here?

So, when I was thinking about this assignment, I really asked myself, "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?". I thought I knew who I was until recently; but when my Dad died in May of this year, I kinda lost a bit of my identity. Things like "Why am I here?", "Where am I going?",  "Where did time go?, and, "What do I do?" come and go thru my mind very frequently. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing by continuing to go back to school. So, when I looked at the picture of myself that was drawn of me, I had to make it into a question mark, because I really don't know who I am. The fist shaking, that signifies my frustration with life. The half of a blackened broken heart, That is what loneliness does. Though the small spot of white on it, signifies that there is still hope in my heart. I am sitting down on a chair, cause I always feel like I am being lazy, though I am working a full time job, and am 2/3 full time going to classes; That chair is running on a treadmill going nowhere. All these things are much like the large splinter in my mind. And the thumbs up? Well, you gotta keep a positive attitude. No matter how hard things are, no matter how confusing things may look, you gotta keep your head up.

Take Away #9

The movie, Off the Map, was an interesting one. I liked some of the story, and the characters were engaging, but the part that spoke to me the most, was the man who was the IRS agent, but became an artist. I can relate to this character, seeing as I really didn't discover that I was an artist until a couple of years ago. Watching him discover himself as an artist really spoke to me. I can remember how I started to look at things differently, and to look at everything the spoke to me. The scene where he just stands there looking at the horizon, was something I think every artist has done at one time or another. It may not be as long as it was depicted in the movie, but definitely for a long span of time. It also reminded me of why I chose art. It reminded me that it isn't just about the "assignments", but rather expressing what speaks to you. No fear, no self-judgement, just creating. It was a good reminder for me, that as long as I am creating, I'm doing stuff right.