Altered Book of the Self

So, here we are at the end of the semester, and it is time to talk about the Altered book of the self. As you well know, the ABotS (Altered Book of the Self, I get tired of typing it over and over) is the last assignment of the semester, and is a culmination of all the projects and topics we have covered during our time in class. We were asked to take a book that has distress/hate/disappointment or whatever that has caused us to look at the book in a bad way. My book was a trigonometry textbook that for whatever reason, I have kept for over 10 years. In my long student career at IUPUI, Trig is the only class I have ever received an F in. If it was just a matter of being bad at Math, I'd accept things, and move on. Truth is, the times I have dropped (and the single time I failed), were all my fault. Each time, I made a mistake of judgement that cause me to do terribly in the class. That being said, I have a kind of vendetta against Trig, and I am determined to take it again one day, and pass it. This is the sole reason I kept the textbook, though they have probably switched editions many times by now. Well, now it the time to change things up, and for me, It was time to change this hated book.

First, I glued it shut. The contents were not a concern for me anymore. I clamped it down, and glued it one side at a time.

Next, I had to hollow it out. That took FOREVER (Actually, I total of around 5 hours), cause I need the space in the book to house all the stuff I wanted to put in it. I glued the picture I drew for the "Flavor of Creativity" to the front, cause that is what the book is to me now, a creative endeavor. I took the little man I carved out of soap, that showed how hollow I always seen myself as, and installed the heart I need

I took this new man, and put him in the book. As I see it, I need to have a bit more heart to keep working hard. Not give up, but to keep doing my best to create the best work I can. I glued this into the book, along with an Egg (which represents the start of my journey), and some crayons (A tool we used in class on many occasions). I glued on the inside cover, the blind contour drawing of myself that was created by a fellow student. This drawing I altered to convey some of how I feel, and included it into the book to keep as a reminder as what I see, and thus what I need to keep vigilant to change, or keep the same.

Lastly, I decided to doodle in the book. I thought about the things I did during the bliss assignment, the contents of my coloring book, my love of fire, and other things. Also, I left in an ink pen. The pen is for myself, or others to add to the book. To keep it as a thing that can always change, that can always be creative. This last picture is the finished book.

That is all I have. I hope you have enjoyed this, as I have. It may not seem like it is to grand, but to me, it represents a lot of good lessons learned, and fun time had.

Take away #14

     So, after a little consideration, I was thinking about the last class. It is interesting the different fears that seem to resonate with people. Jonee, and his fear of Bees surprisingly hit home with me. I remember as a little kid, sitting outside of my house for hours, because there would be Bees near the front door. I also resonated with Danielle's fear of being alone. Her project of facing it reminded me of past and present experiences of doing the same. Between the rotting video, and a well formed Facebook survey; There were a lot of interesting approaches to the different fears presented.
     It is interesting as we near the end of the list (and the semester) of fears, how many of us share a lot of the same concerns.

Take Away #13

Fear Factor Day #2

This time around, after some time to contemplate last classes fear presentation, I think there is a pattern emerging. Seems like a large number of fear stems from either a fear of the future, or a fear of failure. It seemed that there were some that were so bummed thinking about it, decided to "opt out" of discussing their fear, and to pry open that box of uncomfortableness. Truthfully, I can't really blame those individuals for just doing something they found constructive, rather than dwelling on their perspective fears. I almost considered it (opting out) myself, but couldn't help digging once I started seeing all the correlating lines connecting my various fears/anxieties/worries/phobias. I think that now they have had to consider these things, most of them will think more about them when doing projects and work, and know that it is a real thing that hinders them. And in this knowing, maybe they can overcome the very things that thwart all of their creative endeavors. As the old PSA used to say:

Knowing is half the battle

Take Away #12

Last class was really interesting, in both sharing, and the feedback people gave. Mandy's fear of her projects never being good enough, I can realte to. Riley's fear of losing those close to her; I've been there. Steven's fear of the future (or lack there of) is something that plagues all of us with the debt we have waiting for us when we graduate. My own fear of failure. What really suprised me was how well recieved my sharing went. What I had considered to be very boring to others, seemed to resonate with them. The responses I was gathered were uplifting, enlightening, and heartfelt. SO my take away from class?

A) I'm not so alone in my fears as I thought I was.

B) I am a positive presence to more people than I ever thought possible

C) I think I can overcome my fears with some hard work, diligence, and help from my family and friends.

Yeah, This is do-able

Fear Factor

So, I started thinking about the assignment last week, really turning it over in my head. First, I thought about my worry of being alone. I considered my procrastination as a form of fear. I contemplated my anxiety of being overweight. As I started looking into myself, as I started analyzing the fears (including worries, phobias, and anxieties) that criss cross thru my ego, and I started to realize that most of them had a root cause; and underlying fear that weaved its way thru.

That fear is that of failure.

I'd like to say that it is just a fear, but it also an anxiety, and maybe a little bit of worry; all rolled into one. I guess I've kinda always known about my fear of failure, but I didn't know just how wide and deep it really runs. I think that at times, I won't succeed. Other times, I sabotage myself thru ill preparation, procrastination, or just avoidance of responsibility. This happens in my creative endeavors, and in other aspects of my life. I'd go into more detail, but for the most part it just makes me fill like a plain pale figure of no particular decreeing features; and that I have a hole where my brain should be, and a void where I feel that my heart (creatively and otherwise) should be.

Take Away #11

My progress so far is that I have really started to think about my true underlying fear. What is it? What could it be? What started out as a simple exercise on something that I am afraid of, has turned into an existential diagnostic being used to run down some serious problems in my own ego (literally my Ego, how I view myself). As I started the process, I realized as I started to go thru my differing fears, that there was a thread that ran thru all of them; a "root fear" if you will. I am very close to putting a name on it, but I don't want to claim what it is too soon, and not make sure that I'm not mis-identifying it. All in all, it is very disturbing to have these things revealed in such a way, but in the same breath it is also very empowering.

Take Away #10

     For this week's take away; I must confess I was not in class. It is the first class I have missed, and even though I was feeling rather ill, I felt guilty that I was not able to go to class. It is funny how age and perspective changes how you look at things. When I was younger, I wouldn't have thought twice about missing a single class; but at my age now, the thought of falling behind, or letting myself or instructors down is a very bad thing for me. That being said, the rest that I got from my absence has greatly helped me, and I feel like I'm at (or close to :) ) 100%.
     One more thing that I got from this week, was that I've been questioning my motivations for the fields of study that I have chosen. Fear plagues me about it; whether it is if I can actually finish the assignments to a degree of satisfation I am happy with, to whether or not I can make it as a content creator of any kind. I must say, this class has really got me digging deep into myself. Hopefully, I find the person that I feel can do what I dream of doing.